Tag: Kylene Carroll (Page 1 of 2)

Still Mourning Kylene 20 Years Later

April 18, 2022 / Katie L. Carroll

This weekend marked the 20th anniversary of my sister’s death. I’ve written a lot about Kylene, her life and mourning her. On the 8th anniversary of her death, I shared a poem she wrote. A year later, in my post “A Lonely Anniversary,” I expressed having a feeling of loneliness that I could place…until finally realizing I was missing my sister. And I shared another one of her poems.

On the 11th anniversary of her death, I was once again “Thinking of Kylene” while reading through one of her journals. One of my favorite posts about her is “No Matter How You Do The Math, Death Death Just Doesn’t Add Up,” where I memorialized her life and tried to make sense of her death. And, of course, there is “The Story of How I Became A Writer.”

Mourning is a life-long process, and something that often weaves its way into the stories I write. In my upcoming middle grade novel WITCH TEST, I once again explore this concept. The main character, Liza, was only three when her mother died in a car crash. Now 13 and friendless because her ex-best friend, Abby, has turned on her, Liza finds herself thinking of her mother. New and confusing feelings surface.

An ache settles in my chest, strong enough to make me groan out loud.
I think I miss my mom. Maybe that’s what’s been causing this feeling of loneliness that has been overwhelming me all afternoon. I think somewhere deep inside of me I’ve been missing her a long time, but this whole Abby thing has finally made me realize how much I lost when I lost my mom.
I never thought of it like that because it’s weird to miss someone you can’t remember.
Witch TEst

I think about the complicated feelings of losing someone young. As time passes, you change and the person you are mourning would have changed. I’m no longer the person my sister knew, and she would no longer be the person I knew. I miss who she was, and I miss who she would have been, even without knowing who exactly that person would have been. I also miss who I would have become if Kylene had lived.

Like Liza, I wonder if “miss” is the right word. In her case, she wonders if she can miss someone she doesn’t remember. In my case, I wonder if I can miss the versions of my sister and myself that never existed. All the while knowing I miss who she was.

I’ve come to call this complicated set of feelings “long mourning.” When the sharpness of new grief has faded away, you’re left with a longer pain — an ache that never really goes away, occasionally punctuated by a sharper pain.

So I guess that’s my convoluted way of saying I still miss my sister — in all the many ways you can miss someone who died young — 20 years after her death. I’ll suppose I’ll continue exploring those feelings in the stories I write, and in my own way, celebrating and mourning my little sister, Kylene.

The Story of How I Became A Writer

July 3, 2020 / Katie L. Carroll

Versions of this post about how I became a writer have been on several other people’s blogs, but I don’t think I’ve ever posted it here on my own blog. I was thinking about it as the release day for ELIXIR SAVED rapidly approaches and figured it was a good time to put it up here.

I thought my life as a writer began when I was 19 on particularly hot day in early spring 2002, a black-letter day, the blackest of black-letter days in fact. I was in college on track to becoming a physical therapist with an early acceptance into the graduate program. But I didn’t become a physical therapist; I became a writer.

I’ve since come to realize, with the help of my mom, that it was much earlier than that that I began my writing life. On my blog post on the release day of the ebook version of ELIXIR BOUND, she wrote, “Although you would have done fine as a physical therapist, I always knew it was not your calling. You were a writer ever since you could pick up a pencil and I think I always knew that, after all the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree (of course I’m talking about your dad).”

Well, my mom was mostly right. Even before I could pick up a pencil, my mom would read stories to us: the Little Golden Books, the Little House books by Laura Ingalls Wilder, all kinds of fiction. I think that’s when I became a writer.

When I stop to think about it, I don’t know why it took me so long to figure out I was a writer. The signs were all there. My family and I used to write and illustrate our own picture books about the adventures of Sam the Billy Goat. At the climax of the story it would always read, “Voop Whoosh! Up went the Billy Goat.” And he would fly up to save the day.

I wrote (and sometimes illustrated) stories my whole childhood. In middle school, high school, and college I worked on the school newspapers. Yeah, I think I had been in a state of denial for 19 years…which brings us back to that black-letter day…April 16, 2002. The day my sister Kylene died.

I don’t like to talk about that day. How the forget-me-nots were in bloom. How there were recording-breaking high temps. How it was the worst day of my life.

So what do you do when you’re 19 and your sister’s just died? Well, once you’re in a place where you can think again, you reevaluate. Everything.

For me that meant rethinking what I wanted to do with my professional life. Kylene gave me the permission to pursue my passion. So I began writing. Eventually I decided not to continue studying physical therapy. I kept writing, often not even sure who I was writing for. Kylene, an audience, myself?

I pursued publication. And got rejections, along with some encouragement. I revised, learned a lot more about the business of publishing. Wrote some more. Revised some more. Got a lot more rejections…you get the picture.

Ten years and four months after Kylene died, my book was finally born into the world. And what was that book about? A young woman, entrusted with the future of her family’s secret healing Elixir, going on a quest to find the Elixir’s secret ingredient.

I don’t need a psychoanalyst to tell me I was fulfilling a wish with that book. It was supposed to be about Kylene, and it is in some ways, but it’s really about me. Because for those 10 years, it had been too hard to write Ky’s book. I tried. ELIXIR BOUND started out from her point of view, but I just couldn’t write that book yet.

But I did eventually. ELIXIR SAVED is Kylene’s book…and a few other characters’, too, because writing just her story was too much (or not enough). It’s complicated.

As for Kylene’s real life story, I believe each of us as individuals doesn’t truly realize the impact we have on people. Each person we touch—whether it be with a story, a hug, a smile as we pass a stranger on the street—leaves a ripple.

Kylene, in her short life, left lots of ripples. With the people she loved. With the people she cared about. The people she felt compassion for, which was pretty much everyone. The people she shared the Harry Potter books with. Even the nurses in the hospital from the short time she was sick felt her ripples.

I like to think that each ripple I make with the Elixir Series is really Ky’s ripple…because I’m not sure I would have discovered my life’s passion if it weren’t for Kylene. It makes my heart smile to think that Kylene is still making ripples on the world, and that I have my own little role to play in that.

About ELIXIR SAVED: Three lives saved by the Elixir; three lives bound by it.

The Elixir entwines the lives of those it touches. Once upon a time, Kylene, Zelenka, and Devon tasted it and escaped death. None were left without scars. Now, a shocking message from the Ice Queen–one of Mother Nature’s higher beings–sends each survivor on a quest. Kylene travels to the frozen depths of Blanchardwood, Zelenka heads back to the wilds of Faway Forest, and Devon journeys to a reclusive mountain temple. The three paths converge in a war against an ancient and tricky foe. And even the Elixir cannot save everyone. The fate of the world balances on the edge of a sword, and the outcome depends on whether the survivors will sacrifice their second chances.

Escape back into the world of the Great Peninsula in this much-anticipated sequel to the award-winning ELIXIR BOUND. Perfect for fans of the Thrones of Glass series by Sarah J. Maas.

Find the book on Bookshop, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, IndieBound, Smashwords, Apple Books, and Book Depository (for international folks).

Why Is It Taking Me So Long To Write The Second Elixir Book?

March 24, 2017 / Katie L. Carroll

It’s been over four years since the ebook version of ELIXIR BOUND came out and over three years since the paperback version released (so forever in terms of publishing a companion novel). I’m sad to report that I’m only about 2/3 finished with the draft of the companion novel ELIXIR SAVED. And even once the draft is done, I’ll still need to revise and such. So why exactly is it taking me so long to write the second Elixir book?

Well, it’s complicated (isn’t everything!?). For starters, there are the less-than-stellar sales stats of BOUND. I wasn’t expecting a best-seller or anything, but it’s been hard to press on with a second book when the first has low sales. So, yeah, I’ve worked on other projects in between. And, no, I don’t write for the sales or the money, but the validation of selling books doesn’t suck.

There’s also life. I have kids and do freelance work (and blog). I like reading books and watching TV and getting out every once in awhile to do grown-up things. Writing novels is an important part of my life and I’ve gotten more consistent with actually, ya know, writing, but it doesn’t always take top priority.

Then there’s the fact that I’m not a very fast writer. Even when I’m in a good flow and I’ve been writing consistently, my word counts are just not that high. I’ve done a lot of things with the drafting of SAVED to try and speed up the process. I mapped out all the scenes I still need to write. I’ve set timers in order to write without editing myself for that set amount of time. I did a modified NaNoWriMo in November to try and finish this draft.

And now I’m here on the blog writing about how I’m not writing the book. Blah, blah, blah, wah, wah, wah! I know…but all those reasons I mentioned above are not the main reason why it’s taking me so long to write ELIXIR SAVED.

The real reason why it’s taking me so long to write the second Elixir book is because one of the main characters is based on my sister Kylene, who passed away at the age of 16. My intention when I wrote BOUND was to give Kylene a fantasy adventure of her own. I started the book in her POV (point of view), but it was too damn hard to write, so it ended up in the POV of her sister. It’s been almost 15 years since she passed away and it’s still hard to write this story, her story. It feels so presumptuous and impossible to do her justice in what are ultimately my words. It’s emotionally draining and terrifying.

But it’s a story I know I have to tell…eventually. It would be far worse for me to never tell it than to have a hard time doing it.

So I keep reminding myself that I’m not writing from Kylene’s POV. That’s impossible. Only she could do that. Instead, I’m writing from the POV of a character that’s inspired by Kylene. It may seem like a small distinction, but it makes all the difference in be being able to persist in drafting this novel. Though it doesn’t necessarily make it easier.

It’s a process that refuses to be rushed. I do my best to push myself to continue the task, but I’ve come to realize it’s just gonna take time. I’ll keep slowly working on it (while I also work more efficiently on other novels) and one day it will be done. Well, as done as any book ever is.

Thank you to anyone who’s read ELIXIR BOUND and/or inquired about a follow up book. It coming…one of these years!

When the Words are Gone Let the Pictures Speak

August 2, 2016 / Katie L. Carroll

Another August 2nd. Another birthday my sister Kylene will never celebrate. I’m feeling at a loss for words this year. Maybe because I had so many words (and even some math) on her birthday post last year. Maybe because while things change day-to-day and year-to-year in my life, nothing changes for her. What else is there left to say?

A tree was planted in Ky’s memory shortly after she died. In the spring when I was running every Saturday morning down by the harbor, I would stop and visit it. I caught it in full bloom one week and made sure to snap a few pictures. So I think I’ll let those speak for me. Happy birthday, Kylene!

No Matter How You Do The Math, Death Just Doesn’t Add Up

August 2, 2015 / Katie L. Carroll

Today would have been my sister Kylene’s 30th birthday. She died when she was 16, so it’s hard to even imagine what she would have been like at 30. We – her family and friends – all knew Kylene the girl and were just beginning to get a glimpse of the woman she was becoming.

Ky Model Kylene the girl loved to sing and act. She played the flute and was a multi-sport athlete. She worked hard at school and was a honor student. And Ky was kind, and so very giving. I think she worried a lot about things, too. As a toddler, she was prone to tantrums, and never did lose her flair for the dramatic. Kylene was also a devoted Girl Scout, and she was on her way to earning her Gold Award (the highest achievement in Girl Scouts). She loved the Harry Potter books (though she only lived to read the first four) and shared them with everyone, and I mean everyone, making many a reluctant reader into an avid one.

We used to go to the beach and play volleyball with our friends, cranking up the music (usually Fuel) on the way. We played soccer, basketball, and track together for that one year we were both in high school together. I used to jump down from my top bunk and into her bottom bunk when I got scared at night. She never made fun of me for it, never even would mention it to me the next day. She used to wear my underwear when they would accidentally end up in her pile, much to my disgust.

The truth is Kylene was so many things, more than I can ever write about, more than I ever even knew about. I knew her as my often annoying little sister. At 16 and 19, respectively, she and I were really just learning how to be friends outside of the sister realm. I think we would have become best friends as adults. But she will always be 16 going on 17.

This year on her 30th birthday, I can’t help but think about how pretty soon she will have been gone as long as she was here.

My mind gets all twisted up over the fact that my oldest nephew turned 16 this year, so he’s been alive almost as long as his Auntie Ky was. He seems so young; he is so young. How could Kylene have only been alive an equally short amount of time? Her influence on my life seems far more profound than could possibly have happened in 16 years.

I’ve already lived more than two of her lives. My great grandmother at age 96 died two years to the day after my sister. She lived 6 of Kylene’s lives.

For some reason, this year I keep thinking about all these numbers. I think it’s the way the logical side of my brain is still trying to make sense of my sister’s death. The truth is, the numbers are just numbers, and no amount of calculating will make it make sense.

The creative part of my brain wrote a whole book trying to make sense of my sister’s death. That helped me mourn Ky and it helped me heal, but it didn’t make the death of a 16-year-old make sense. Nothing can.

So today (and most days) I think of her. And today on her birthday I memorialize her. I remember how she made me laugh and cry, how I wanted both hit her and protect her (not usually at the same time), how I tried to explain to her how to be more like me and how she was always herself anyway, how I try now to be more like her: empathetic, caring, kind.

I think about how The Boy’s temperament reminds me so much of her at times, and it helps me understand him better. See, Kylene is still teaching me and inspiring me to be a better person, even though she’s been gone for so long. She will never meet my kids, but she is part of their lives all the same.