Category: Kylene (Page 4 of 4)

Thinking of Kylene

April 16, 2013 / Katie L. Carroll

That’s me on the left, reading to my little sister, Kylene, on the right.

Most days I’m not sad about the death of my sister Kylene. It’s been 11 years after all. And the sharp pangs of loss tend to fade over time into a duller, more generalized ache of longing. But there are triggers that bring back the sting of losing her. Inevitably, major life milestones, her birthday every year, and today—the anniversary of her death—dredge up the deep well of feelings of losing your 16-year-old sister.

In the past, I’ve shared Kylene’s poems (here and here). Yesterday I was reading through one of her journals. Her words are pretty typical of girl her age (she was 13 when she wrote these particular entries and looking forward to a trip to Georgia with her Girl Scout troop), but there ones that break my heart because they’re so full of hopes and dreams, and I know she had so many of these that never came true.

“Every activity sounds incredibly exciting.” “There are so many things to look forward to.” “Seven days ’till I have one of the best five days in my entire life.” When I read these snippets I can’t help but think of all the activities she missed out on, all the things she looked forward to and never got to experience, how short her entire life ended up being.

So I let myself have this day to be sad for Kylene and for myself, and for all the people who knew her and lost her, and all the people who didn’t get to know her. The other days I remember her with a smile, and try to be more caring like she was, and try to live my life experiencing new and wonderful things because she didn’t get to. Even though sometimes it’s hard to remember, not because the memories are faded, but because the memories are bittersweet.

Celebrating Elixir Bound’s Release Day

September 27, 2012 / Katie L. Carroll

Did you even wonder how an author celebrates the big release day of her debut novel? You might think it’s all caviar and champagne, but it’s generally more subdued than that.

Here’s a picture essay of how I celebrated the release of Elixir Bound.

The celebration began early when Elixir Bound showed up on Amazon a few days before the official release day.

On release day, I had to work at my office job in the morning, but then I got to hang out with The Boy for a little while before it was naptime. Time with The Boy is always my favorite time of the day.

The hubby presented me with flowers when he arrived home after work. The Boy had turned one a few days before and really liked when we said in a high-pitched voice “Happy Birthday!” So all day the hubby kept saying “Happy Book Release Day!” in a funny voice, much to the amusement of The Boy.

My 13-year-old nephew and my twin-not-twin sister threw me a surprise party, complete with a framed copy of Elixir Bound’s cover. I was tickled pink that my nephew was so excited for me!

And there was a festive ice cream cake!

Proud mama with her book baby!

I also had a special post about how I became a writer on fellow Muse author Meradeth Houston’s blog. Thanks to everyone who has shared in my journey of becoming a published novelist. I appreciate all the well wishes and support. And keep buying those books!

Ten Years Is A Lifetime

April 16, 2012 / Katie L. Carroll

Ten years. That’s how long I’ve been without my little sister, Kylene. The sad thing is I don’t know what life would be like with her anymore. I used to be able to imagine what certain events would have been like if she had been alive: helping her get ready for her prom, attending her high school graduation, the dress she would have worn at my wedding. It gets harder to imagine what her role in my life would be with each passing event.

I only know her up to the 16-year-old person she was when she died. Everything after that is speculation. I can try to imagine what she would look like at 26, but the difference between 16 and 26 is unfathomable. Would she be married? Maybe she would have kids, maybe she would’ve even had her first kid before I had The Boy. Kylene was talented at so many things, I don’t even know what she would have grown up to be.

I like to think she would have gone to NYC for college and majored in something that had to do with helping people but minored in drama. And like I discovered in college that writing was my true passion, she would have discovered acting and singing were hers. Maybe she would be a famous Broadway star. That’s the thing about 16: there’s an endless supply of potential.

For years I’ve been heartbroken over all the potential that died with my sister. Over all the things she never got to experience. Recently I’ve realized how sad I am over all the things I lost since she died. We had a volatile relationship as kids, trying to share a bedroom for many years, me being annoyed when she copied me, her being annoyed when I tried to tell her to be more like me (when I maybe should’ve been more like her).

We were just learning how to be friends when she died. Because she was my little sister and always had a sympathetic ear, she never made me feel bad about my feelings. I can remember having a bad dream and hopping off the top bunk into the bottom bed where my sister slept, showing a vulnerability I hated to admit I had. She didn’t ask for an explanation or make me feel silly for being scared. She was just there for me. Even in our worst fights, she would never, never bring something like that up and throw it back in my face. She kept my feelings safe, no matter what.

I think we would have been best friends now. I wish she had been here to meet my son. I wish she could be here when my first novel comes out (a story I wrote for her, but turned out to be about me). People always say things like, “The dead are with us as long as they are in our hearts.” I don’t disagree with that. I hold Kylene close to my heart. That doesn’t mean I don’t miss her and what my life would have been like if she was still alive.

A Lonely Anniversary

April 16, 2011 / Katie L. Carroll

Another year has passed since I last marked the anniversary of my sister’s death. Recently I was feeling very lonely and I couldn’t quite figure out why. I have a lot of people in my life who love and care about me, but there was an emptiness inside of me that wouldn’t go away.

Then I realized I missed my little sister. I wanted to talk with her, but she wasn’t there to answer back. And, no matter how many friends or loves I have in my life, no one on this earth will ever be the sister or the friend she was to me.

Kylene was only here for 16 years, but she filled those years with so much life. She wrote the poem below, and though the sentiment is beautifully written, I don’t think it is a true reflection of who she was. She may never have graduated high school, gotten married, or had any children, but there wasn’t a wasted moment of her life here on earth.

Wasting my time
Killing my time
living this life like I should
Not like I could

I learned from a book
I learned from a teacher
but what about life
What about the Experience

I’m sitting inside
going through the motions
While life turns outside
passing me by

Tomorrow’s but today
Just like any other day
I throw my life away
It slips down the drain

~Kylene Laraine Carroll

Remembering Kylene With A Poem She Wrote

April 16, 2010 / Katie L. Carroll

Today marks the eighth anniversary of my sister Kylene’s death. This was the day the world stopped spinning and turned in a whole new direction. It was also the day I became a writer (even though I wouldn’t realize this for two more years). I may be able to hack it at writing stories, but Kylene was the true poet of the family. Here is one of her poems.

Today I learned about the Math
about the Science
Today I missed out on the life lesson
24 hrs. slipped by
I got an A
I passed the Test
I lied

Days go by, I work, I play
Months go by I give I take
Years go by I live I die
Life’s a circle
Life’s a cycle
Life’s a motion

What’s tomorrow
But another day
A new life?
A Fresh Start?
New Hope?
Clean Slate?
Tomorrow’s but today
Just another day
~Kylene Laraine Carroll