Books for kids, teens, & those who are young at heart

Category: Kylene (Page 1 of 4)

When Grief Unexpectedly Hits (and it Shows up in Your Writing)

The thing about grief is that each person experiences it differently, and it encompasses many different emotions. It can change over time, but it can also revert back to that fresh grief in unexpected moments. And it never goes away.

Recently, I was driving two of my kiddos to a travel soccer game. They were both in the back of the minivan, my 10-year-old reading and the 13-year-old playing on his phone. I had the radio tuned to the local alternative rock station that plays 90s music on the weekends, my favorite kind of music. The sun was out, the kids weren’t fighting, and I was in a good mood.

My sister Kylene on the left and me on the right standing next to each other. We were both teenagers at the time, her slightly taller than me, even though I was 3 years older than her.
Kylene (left) and Katie (right) around the ages when we were singing “Dumb” in the car together.

Then, the song “Dumb” by Nirvana came on, and I was transported back to another car ride, one that was more than 20 years ago. It was a similarly nice day, and I was on the way to play beach volleyball with some friends. Instead of my kids as companions, I had my sister Kylene. She loved to sing and had a beautiful voice, and she wasn’t afraid to sing loudly in front of others. Not like me, I kept my tone-deaf voice to the confines of the shower and my car.

So when “Dumb” came on the radio, we were both singing along, Kylene considerably louder than I was. The song got to the end where Kurt Cobain, the lead singer, repeats the line “I think I’m dumb” over and over again. Only, that’s not what Kylene sang. She was belting out “African dough” over and over again. I cracked up, tears rolling down my cheeks, because she had no idea that she was singing the wrong lyrics.

Of course, being the amazing older sister that I am (and also a teenager at the time), I not-so-nicely pointed out that she was singing the wrong lyrics and her lyrics made absolutely no sense. When we got to the beach, I told all our friends of her mistake, and it became a running joke every time we heard that song. For the rest of her life…which turned out not to be that much longer because she passed away when she was only 16. (I’ve written about this before in “Still Mourning Kylene 20 years Later.”)

Fast forward to hearing “Dumb” in the minivan with my kids, and I once again had tears rolling down my cheeks. I had my sunglasses on and my kids were paying no attention to me. I didn’t want to upset them or have to answer any questions they might have asked, so I kept them oblivious to my silent tears. We’ve talk about Kylene, and they know it was a very hard thing to go through, but in that moment, I wanted to be alone in my feelings. When it got to the end of the song, I quietly sang “African dough” instead of the correct lyrics, a little smile breaking out on my face.

Hearing that song and having that punch of a memory hit me, it made me miss my sister so much. It brought up fresh grief mixed in with all the old grief. The sadness that my kids will never get to meet their Auntie Kylene; the weird emptiness of her not being here anymore, even when I have no idea what she would be like now or what our relationship would be like; and the loss of all the things that she never got to be and do, whatever those things might have been. There was also the humor and fondness of the memory.

Even now, all these many years later, the grief can be overwhelming and complicated and hard and unique. It’s no wonder themes of grief often pop up in my writing. There’s my upper middle grade book Witch Test where Liza is being bullied by her ex-best friend, which brings up all sorts of feelings about her late mother. And my YA Hamlet retelling Only Dark Edges where Delta is haunted by the ghost of her sister and spirals into a deep depression of grief. And my work-in-progress picture book about a little girl, whose sister named Winnie recently passed away, goes looking for Winnie-the-Pooh in the woods.

I’ve always said one of the reasons I write is to try and make sense of the world. Kylene’s death will never make sense to me. But writing about it helps me sort out my feelings. And when I publish works about grief, my hope is that it will help kids who experience grief realize they are not alone in their feelings.

The Inspiration Behind the Award-Winning YA fantasy ELIXIR BOUND

ELIXIR BOUND is the book that made me an author, but it’s so much more than that. This book and its sequel, ELIXIR SAVED, are memorials to my sister Kylene. In ELIXIR BOUND, Katora, who has a sister named Kylene, goes on a quest to become the guardian of a secret healing Elixir. The Elixir Chronicles are like a wish in book form. A wish for more for my sister.

I’ve written about Kylene a bunch of times here on the blog (see “Still Mourning Kylene 20 Years Later”), and her too-short life continues to be a large influence on my writing. One of my works-in-progress is a picture book about a girl who loses her sister.

Mourning is a life-long process. Writing is one of the ways I try and make sense of this wonderfully complex thing we call life. Naturally, my feelings about Kylene come up a lot in my writing.

Yet, the Elixir Chronicles are fantasy quests with magic, whimsy, and adventure. There are deaths — particularly one in ELIXIR SAVED that is a bit devastating — but death and mourning aren’t main themes. The books are more about living. The characters are figuring out what kind of life they want to live and trying to put that into action.

In that way, it’s like giving Kylene — albeit a fictional one — a second chance at life. Second chances are a main theme of ELIXIR SAVED. Yup, these books are big wishes that I know won’t come true. But it still felt good to write them, even when the writing was incredibly hard at times.

The ebook of ELIXIR BOUND is currently on sale for $1.99. It’s part of the Narratess Indie Sale, which officially kicks off tomorrow. There are over 370 fantasy, sci-fi, and horror book by indie authors and publishers on sale or even free.

The Historical and Personal Inspiration Behind WITCH TEST

My upper middle grade WITCH TEST comes out on September 13! Notice the “upper” as there are some heavy topics of bullying, depression, and dealing with the loss of a parent (though the actual passing of the parent occurs many years before the book takes place).

Image by MiblArt

Liza, the main character, is 13 and in eighth grade. I’ve been recommending WITCH TEST as best for the 10-14 age range, rather than the more typical MG one of 8-12. This has made the marketing of the book less straightforward than my other middle grade PIRATE ISLAND. Billy, the main character of PIRATE ISLAND, is also 13, but the topics of the book stay more firmly in the core middle grade range.

Despite the marketing challenges, I think being in that upper age range was the best thing for the story. The upper MG/lower YA category tends to be underrepresented in books, and those readers deserve stories. Plus, the bullying and what I refer to as “long grief” draw on my own teen/preteen experiences and beyond.

My bullying experience took place at the start of middle school in sixth grade and the rumors my ex-friends spread weren’t calling me a witch, rather a lesbian (keep in mind I was in middle school in the early 90s). It was intense to go through that as an 11-year-old, and I decided to age Liza up to 13 to show readers a character who was slightly more mature and introspective than I was when I went through it.

As for the topic of the bullying in Liza’s world, I didn’t want to completely mirror my own. I really loved how PIRATE ISLAND blended local history (in this case Captain Kidd’s pirate history) into a contemporary story, so I wanted an historical tie-in for WITCH TEST as well. When I was brainstorming topics of local history, one of those I came across was the witch trials that occurred in Connecticut, which predate the Salem witch trials. It felt like the perfect metaphor for bullying in modern times.

As my long-time readers might have guessed, the long grief inspiration stems from the death of my sister, Kylene, when she was 16 and I was 19. I’ve often written about how her death has made me the writer I am today and how it has continued to influence my work (see “Why Is It Taking Me So Long To Write the Second Elixir Book?”).

The process of mourning someone is not linear. It never stops. While it does get “better” as time goes on and you find what I call a “new normal,” your feelings can also loop back and it’s awful all over again. I wanted to explore this long mourning in WITCH TEST, so that meant giving Liza even more tough topics to deal with. Her feelings of grief over her mom’s death are largely brought up in response to the bullying, and she wonders how she might be better coping with life if her mother were still alive. As she was only three when her mother died, Liza also ponders how you can miss someone you can’t even remember.

Add in Halloween and a haunted corn maze, and it all makes for a heavy, spooky story. It’s one that I love, and though I’m not typically a crier, I tear up every single time I read the climax scene in the corn maze. And I’ve read it many, many times!

I don’t think there’s anything in the story that younger middle grade readers CAN’T read, but they’re not going to get as much out of it as a slightly older reader. My 10 (almost 11) year old has read it and enjoyed it. He said, “WITCH TEST is intriguing, interesting, and heart-touching.”

Cover art by MiblArt

About WITCH TEST:

Liza is sinking in a bubbling cauldron of middle school rumors.

When the entire eighth grade begins studying the Salem witch trials, it seems everyone is on a witch hunt…with Liza as target number one. Worst of all, her ex-best friend is the one who started a rumor that Liza bewitched a boy with a love potion.

As the bullying intensifies, Liza’s loneliness grows. More than ever, she wishes her mother were still alive. A glimmer of hope arrives when Liza finds her mother’s diary…until she actually reads it. Turns out Liza’s family connection to witches goes back for centuries. So much for the witch stuff being rumors!

If Liza can channel her inner witch at the Halloween night corn maze, she might find the strength to stand up for herself. If not, she risks losing a piece of herself to a growing depression and any hope of happiness.

WITCH TEST is an upper middle grade Mean Girls meets The Craft novel for pre-teens and young teens.

Pre-order now from BookshopAmazonBarnes & NobleKoboGoogle PlayIndieBoundApple BooksBook Depository (for international folks), and many of your favorite book retailers.

Still Mourning Kylene 20 Years Later

This weekend marked the 20th anniversary of my sister’s death. I’ve written a lot about Kylene, her life and mourning her. On the 8th anniversary of her death, I shared a poem she wrote. A year later, in my post “A Lonely Anniversary,” I expressed having a feeling of loneliness that I could place…until finally realizing I was missing my sister. And I shared another one of her poems.

On the 11th anniversary of her death, I was once again “Thinking of Kylene” while reading through one of her journals. One of my favorite posts about her is “No Matter How You Do The Math, Death Death Just Doesn’t Add Up,” where I memorialized her life and tried to make sense of her death. And, of course, there is “The Story of How I Became A Writer.”

Mourning is a life-long process, and something that often weaves its way into the stories I write. In my upcoming middle grade novel WITCH TEST, I once again explore this concept. The main character, Liza, was only three when her mother died in a car crash. Now 13 and friendless because her ex-best friend, Abby, has turned on her, Liza finds herself thinking of her mother. New and confusing feelings surface.

An ache settles in my chest, strong enough to make me groan out loud.

I think I miss my mom. Maybe that’s what’s been causing this feeling of loneliness that has been overwhelming me all afternoon. I think somewhere deep inside of me I’ve been missing her a long time, but this whole Abby thing has finally made me realize how much I lost when I lost my mom.

I never thought of it like that because it’s weird to miss someone you can’t remember.

Witch TEst

I think about the complicated feelings of losing someone young. As time passes, you change and the person you are mourning would have changed. I’m no longer the person my sister knew, and she would no longer be the person I knew. I miss who she was, and I miss who she would have been, even without knowing who exactly that person would have been. I also miss who I would have become if Kylene had lived.

Like Liza, I wonder if “miss” is the right word. In her case, she wonders if she can miss someone she doesn’t remember. In my case, I wonder if I can miss the versions of my sister and myself that never existed. All the while knowing I miss who she was.

I’ve come to call this complicated set of feelings “long mourning.” When the sharpness of new grief has faded away, you’re left with a longer pain — an ache that never really goes away, occasionally punctuated by a sharper pain.

So I guess that’s my convoluted way of saying I still miss my sister — in all the many ways you can miss someone who died young — 20 years after her death. I’ll suppose I’ll continue exploring those feelings in the stories I write, and in my own way, celebrating and mourning my little sister, Kylene.

Happy Book Birthday to ELIXIR SAVED by Katie L. Carroll

Today’s the day…ELIXIR SAVED is out in the world! It’s been quite the journey with this book. It took me a very long time to write (here’s a post I wrote back in 2017 “Why Is It Taking Me So Long To Write The Second Elixir Book?”) and was more work than I anticipated, even though I knew it was going to be a hard book to write.

I’m really proud of it, though. I think it reflects how much I’ve grown as a person and a writer since those long ago days when I wrote ELIXIR BOUND. Most importantly, I think it gives the character based on my sister Kylene the journey I wanted for her, the story I couldn’t give her in the first Elixir book because I wasn’t ready yet. And it has a gorgeous cover thanks to the very talented Susan Tait Porcaro, who has turned from a colleague to a friend.

I decided to roll with the idea of book birthdays and give ELIXIR SAVED its very own birth story. This video was fun (and embarrassing) to make, but I hope it shows how much I love writing and my books, even when they’re difficult…much like having kids. Plus I got to wear the dress I got (pre-pandemic) for book events.

I’m trying to be positive in this release post because I want to send my book baby out into the world with good energy. But I can’t say it’s been easy to release a book during a pandemic. I rely on hand-selling at events to help get the word out and reach new readers. I’m also missing out on an unknown number of opportunities for both Elixir books that may have arisen as a result of ELIXIR BOUND winning an award last year. I’m also aware of the privilege I have of getting to this at all.

There are the usual release day nerves and jitters there, too. This book is long–maybe too long–despite my efforts to trim it as much as possible. Things have been so hectic this year, I ended up doing most of the final edits on my own, so I’m nervous about what I may have missed. After working so long on a book, it’s hard to have any perspective. Way to sell you all on buying the book, right? *insert awkward laughter*

So if I haven’t totally scared you away by now, here are the details on what the book is about and where you can buy it. Thanks so much to each and every one of you for being a part of my author journey!

ELIXIR SAVED by Katie L. Carroll

Three lives saved by the Elixir; three lives bound by it.

The Elixir entwines the lives of those it touches. Once upon a time, Kylene, Zelenka, and Devon tasted it and escaped death. None were left without scars. Now, a shocking message from the Ice Queen—one of Mother Nature’s higher beings—sends each survivor on a quest. Kylene travels to the frozen depths of Blanchardwood, Zelenka heads back to the wilds of Faway Forest, and Devon journeys to a reclusive mountain temple. The three paths converge in a war against an ancient and tricky foe. And even the Elixir cannot save everyone. The fate of the world balances on the edge of a sword, and the outcome depends on whether the survivors will sacrifice their second chances.

Escape back into the world of the Great Peninsula in this much-anticipated sequel to the award-winning ELIXIR BOUND. Perfect for fans of the Thrones of Glass series by Sarah J. Maas.

Buy the book on BookshopAmazon, KoboIndieBound, Barnes & Noble, SmashwordsApple Books, and Book Depository (for international folks).

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