Category: Family (Page 14 of 27)

No Matter How You Do The Math, Death Just Doesn’t Add Up

August 2, 2015 / Katie L. Carroll

Today would have been my sister Kylene’s 30th birthday. She died when she was 16, so it’s hard to even imagine what she would have been like at 30. We – her family and friends – all knew Kylene the girl and were just beginning to get a glimpse of the woman she was becoming.

Ky Model Kylene the girl loved to sing and act. She played the flute and was a multi-sport athlete. She worked hard at school and was a honor student. And Ky was kind, and so very giving. I think she worried a lot about things, too. As a toddler, she was prone to tantrums, and never did lose her flair for the dramatic. Kylene was also a devoted Girl Scout, and she was on her way to earning her Gold Award (the highest achievement in Girl Scouts). She loved the Harry Potter books (though she only lived to read the first four) and shared them with everyone, and I mean everyone, making many a reluctant reader into an avid one.

We used to go to the beach and play volleyball with our friends, cranking up the music (usually Fuel) on the way. We played soccer, basketball, and track together for that one year we were both in high school together. I used to jump down from my top bunk and into her bottom bunk when I got scared at night. She never made fun of me for it, never even would mention it to me the next day. She used to wear my underwear when they would accidentally end up in her pile, much to my disgust.

The truth is Kylene was so many things, more than I can ever write about, more than I ever even knew about. I knew her as my often annoying little sister. At 16 and 19, respectively, she and I were really just learning how to be friends outside of the sister realm. I think we would have become best friends as adults. But she will always be 16 going on 17.

This year on her 30th birthday, I can’t help but think about how pretty soon she will have been gone as long as she was here.

My mind gets all twisted up over the fact that my oldest nephew turned 16 this year, so he’s been alive almost as long as his Auntie Ky was. He seems so young; he is so young. How could Kylene have only been alive an equally short amount of time? Her influence on my life seems far more profound than could possibly have happened in 16 years.

I’ve already lived more than two of her lives. My great grandmother at age 96 died two years to the day after my sister. She lived 6 of Kylene’s lives.

For some reason, this year I keep thinking about all these numbers. I think it’s the way the logical side of my brain is still trying to make sense of my sister’s death. The truth is, the numbers are just numbers, and no amount of calculating will make it make sense.

The creative part of my brain wrote a whole book trying to make sense of my sister’s death. That helped me mourn Ky and it helped me heal, but it didn’t make the death of a 16-year-old make sense. Nothing can.

So today (and most days) I think of her. And today on her birthday I memorialize her. I remember how she made me laugh and cry, how I wanted both hit her and protect her (not usually at the same time), how I tried to explain to her how to be more like me and how she was always herself anyway, how I try now to be more like her: empathetic, caring, kind.

I think about how The Boy’s temperament reminds me so much of her at times, and it helps me understand him better. See, Kylene is still teaching me and inspiring me to be a better person, even though she’s been gone for so long. She will never meet my kids, but she is part of their lives all the same.

She is my sister, and I miss her…always. So let’s all raise a glass to my sister. Happy birthday, Ky!

Spring 2015 in Pictures and the Final Push to Summer Relaxation

June 23, 2015 / Katie L. Carroll

I’ve got another week and half until I make it through a few final obligations and can begin to relax a little this summer. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining about having so many authory type things to do this year. I’ve had a wonderful first half of the year with book events, school visits, library talks…it’s been inspirational!

…But I really need a break. I finished the draft of Black Butterfly, but I have a few lingering things I need to work on before it can go out to beta readers. And I have some subbing I’d like to do for another project I’ve had in my pocket for awhile. Those things have been put on hold with the author craziness that was this spring. So in the spirit of getting stuff done (and I did check off one very big item on my to-do list just yesterday), here is spring 2015 in pictures. Enjoy!

A Quiet Moment of Playing Together

May 22, 2015 / Katie L. Carroll

I posted this today on Observation Mommy (my Tumblr page), but I thought it warranted a post here as well. (Because you all like having updates on the kiddos occasionally, right?)

Almost a year since The Prince was born, there is still a lot of lingering resentment from The Boy. I get it; his whole world changed and now he has to share Mommy and Daddy, and his toys.

Growing up, my relationships with my four siblings was one of the best things in my young life. Sure we fought, sometimes a lot, but we were always there for each other. And as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned how to be better friends with each of my siblings. So I’ve always wanted that for my boys, and was beginning to doubt it was going to happen.

The Prince, of course, loves his older brother, idolizes him. But The Boy has mostly shown annoyance and barely tolerates The Prince. There’s been the rare hug or kiss or concern when The Prince is crying, but not as much as I was hoping for.

Then, the other day the hubby witnessed them playing together with cars The Boy had willingly, with no prompting shared. It lasted about five minutes before a fight, but it was a start. And then yesterday, The Prince reached into The Boy’s car case (where all the fun rescue vehicles are kept) and The Boy didn’t yell. In fact, he said to his little brother, “You can play with that,” and proceeded to give me a selection (of his non-favorite) rescues to play with.

I was one happy mama! There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I think we may be reaching the end. I’m not expecting peace all the time (or even most of the time), but at least now I know it is a possibility.

May Ripples in the Inkwell: Change Is Hard

May 11, 2015 / Katie L. Carroll

It’s the second Monday of the month, so that means it’s time for a new Ripples in the Inkwell (#inkripples) post. Kai Strand’s post can be found here, and Mary Waibel’s can be found here. May brings more flowers, buds turning to leaves on the trees, and warmer weather. The winter jackets are packed away and t-shirts are coming out. May is all about change, and that’s our topic of the month.

The change in weather is welcome, particularly after this very long winter. But change is hard. I see how my 3-1/2 year old son, The Boy, is still having a hard time with all the changes that have gone on in his life in the past year. Even though his younger brother, The Prince, is almost a year old, the adjustment period isn’t over. The resentment lingers, evident when The Boy says, “Mommy, I want you to take care of only me. Daddy can take care of [The Prince].”

The Boy started preschool last November, another big change, especially after being home with me all day for the last two years. He seems so old to me in many ways, but I have to remember how young he really is. It wasn’t too long ago he was still sleeping in the crib. Now he’s in a big boy bed in a new, bigger room. The early years of life bring on so many changes.

But even as an adult, I find change hard, harder still than when I was in my teens and twenties. I like my routine, even if every day the routine isn’t the same. I write best sitting at my laptop, sipping my tea. It’s important for productivity not to be tied to that, though. I can’t always be at my laptop, I don’t always have quiet time to work, I don’t always have time to work period. If I’m ever going to finish my WIP, I need to allow myself the flexibility to squeeze in the work when I can.

Change is also good for the creative soul. It pushes my brain into new realms and I see the world in a new light. I so desperately needed to get away the other weekend for the New England SCBWI writing conference. With little ones, it’s been hard for me to be away from them. My job as mom is 24-7. I needed that change, the time to be a writer and not a mom for a little while. I hated leaving my babies, but it was important for me to do just that.

I guess no matter if we’re 3 or 33 or 133, it will be desirable to avoid change. It’s easier to keep to the routine, maintain the status quo. But lack of change also means lack of growth, so I’m willing to step out of my comfort zone and grow as a person as a result.

Inkwellblueandgreen Want to join in on the conversation on change? Or next month’s theme of summer/vacation? It’s easy to participate in Ripples in the Inkwell.

Ripples in the Inkwell #inkripples is a new monthly meme created by Kai Strand, Mary Waibel, and Katie L. Carroll. We’ll be posting on the second Monday of every month with a new topic. We’re all authors, but you don’t have to be to participate. Simply compose your post using the monthly theme, grab one of the images, and link back to the three of us. Make sure to use #inkripples when you play along and promote your posts. The idea is that we toss a word, idea, or image into the inkwell and each post is a new ripple. There’s no wrong way to do it! Full details can be found on my post “Introducing Ripples in the Inkwell.”

Books Are Not Precious

April 6, 2015 / Katie L. Carroll

I never highlight, make notes, or otherwise intentionally mark the pages of my books. Even when I was in college and purchased text books, I never like to take notes in the pages. Books are sacred, precious, not to be marred.

The Boy at about 9 months old, enjoying his favorite book/chew toy DOLLY DUCK.

The Boy at 9 months old, enjoying his favorite book/chew toy DOLLY DUCK.

Then I had kids. And if I’ve learned anything from my boys, it’s that my world view is often flawed and certainly not absolute. To kids and babies, books are more than the words and pictures in their pages. They are teethers, drums, they can be stacked to make a tower or stairs.

The Prince at 9 months old, chewing on his favorite book about Pinky the pig.

Not that I don’t discourage them from doing all these things; we try to teach the boys to take care of their belongings. But that doesn’t mean they revere books in the way I do. To them, books are not sacred or precious. They are for reading, of course. And we love reading them. But they are fun in other ways, too. And if that gives them a life-long love affair with books, then I’m all for it!