Category: Anecdote (Page 14 of 31)

Stripping My Emotional Self in Writing

December 4, 2014 / Katie L. Carroll

I’m the kind of person who holds her emotions really close to her chest. I hate crying in front of people, even the ones I’m closest to, and have always, as far back as I can remember, felt this way. I don’t like openly showing many strong emotions often feel embarrassed when I do, and sometimes even feel embarrassed for other people when they are showing strong emotions (though they themselves probably aren’t feeling that way…they are simply reveling in whatever they are feeling).

It’s not that I don’t have strong emotions. In fact, it’s just the opposite; I have strong emotions, it’s just hard for me to show them. When I’m upset about something or hurt, it most often comes across as anger…because for some reason my brain thinks it’s okay to show anger if I have to show something.

Psychoanalysis aside (not really interested in analyzing myself, especially not here on a public website…yikes!), being this kind of person makes it hard for me to open up my emotional self in my writing. One of my goals this year was to push my writing to show deeper levels of emotions, and that included all forms of my writing: blogging, the journals I keep for the boys, my novels, everything.

I really stripped down and got real here on the blog with my post “How Does a Mother’s Love Grow?” back in February. I was going through a really tough time as a mother and shared some real and not necessarily flattering feelings. Frankly, that was a terrifying moment when I hit Publish on that post. But it got a lot of hits and so many wonderful comments. Though when I think about people reading that post, it kind of makes me nauseated.

My WIP is a really gritty novel, a thriller about a girl with a dark past (much of which she can’t remember) and who isn’t sure if she deserves a chance to remake herself. She isn’t even sure if that’s possible and wonders if she’s just an evil person at the core. Not that her feelings are my own per se, but the idea is to push and explore those very deep emotions and draw them out. Whatever they may be.

So I think I’ve begun to chip away at that goal. And I think it’s bringing my writing to a whole new level. Because it’s those deep emotions that resonate with readers, it’s what they connect to and remember from a story. Ultimately that’s the kind of stuff I want to write, even if it kind of makes me cringe a little on the inside. It also makes me glow on the inside, too. One of the many dichotomies of my life!

I guess the next step in this process of mining my emotions would be to allow myself to express them to a fuller extent. Not only would that aid in my writing, but it would probably be healthy for me and my relationships (not that any of that is bad, but those could always be better, right?).

So where have you pushed yourself and your writing this year and where are you taking those things in the next year?

Confession of an Author: Prolific Writers

November 10, 2014 / Katie L. Carroll

Confession #9: I hate prolific writers.

Yes, I’m using the word “hate,” a word–you guessed it–I hate (it’s so unimaginative and really when you think about it, rather vague). It seems every other author I’ve ever heard of is a faster writer. Yeah, I know, it’s not a good idea to compare yourself to other writers and their processes or successes because to each his own and everything, but, man, I wish I could just write faster…and that I hadn’t heard of all these other writers who have a million books coming out all the time.

Seriously, my writer friends seem to have books releasing every day. I know about all their new books because I’m constantly hosting them here on this blog and reading their amazing stories. They post about their huge word counts (I’m happy to get a couple hundred words in a day, and I don’t even write every day…not even close to every day) and they do NaNoWriMo and write, write, write. And I love these writer friends of mine, but I hate them too. Why? Because they are so prolific and I am, well, not.

And I know what you’d say to me (because you, my dear blog readers, are a wonderful, supportive group of people). “Katie,” you’d say. “You have a preschooler and a baby, you have your editing, a husband who does housework, and a wonderful, full life.” And I’d say, “Yes, that is all true, and thank you for saying so.”

I do have all these wonderful things in my life, but I only have two published books and one collaborative work on the way, and I want more published books. I want more work to put out there. I want more time to write and when I do have time to write, I want to write more. Bottom line, I want more! “Wah, wah, wah,” right?

Then I feel guilty because there are other writers who are struggling to have anything published, writers who deserve to be published. Because I remember having that kind of wanting before ELIXIR BOUND came out, and that is a whole other kind of longing.

Back on topic, even this blog post feels like it’s taking forever to write. Why can’t my brain just get the words out of my head and onto the page in a manner that doesn’t feel like losing a 100-meter race to a slug? I’m a fast typist, so that’s not the problem. I’m a fast thinker, too. I think part of the problem is how much I have to think about things before I write them down. My process is part of who I am, not just as a writer but as a person. That’s hard to change.

I have to have a really good sense of what I’m writing before I even begin to put it down on the page. And then when I do start to get it down on the page, it spawns all these other thoughts and ideas that I have to rein my brain in. Wait, I think that means I think too fast, so it’s hard to focus on the writing and just get it on the paper. My brain moves too fast for my fingers. Plus, I’m a deliberate person. I don’t just do things nilly-willy (not saying prolific writers do things this way…only a comment on myself); I need to be ready to do things before I do them. I’m not sure there’s a way to circumnavigate that.

Okay, now I’m thinking out loud on the page, and boy, that’s a scary thought because who knows what will come out next. Let me gather my focus again. I am not a prolific writer and I may never be one because it’s just not the way I work. So all you prolific writers out there, just cut it out already! 😉

The Emptiness of a Full Mind

October 27, 2014 / Katie L. Carroll

Lately my mind has been so full of million things that when I do have some free time, I can’t actually get anything done except maybe sitting in front of the TV and watching reruns of 19 Kids and Counting.

I mean, it’s these little guys that take up so much of my brain power, so a worthy trade off, but some days it’s hard not to be hard on myself. The evenings are especially unproductive. By the time feedings and baths are done and the boys are settled down for the night, I’m wiped. And there’s pretty much always laundry to be done and other stuff.

My mind is full of feeding schedules, lists of things I need to get done that keep getting put off by more important things that need to get done, and little voices saying things like, “I need you, Mommy.” My arms are full of kiddos hands and dirty diapers (hopefully not at the same time), my shirt is usually full of breast milk and spit up, and my diet is full of, well, junk because so much effort goes into making sure everyone else eats right that it’s hard for me to do so.

I’m not really complaining…I mean, I signed up for this whole being-a-mom thing. It’s just with all this fullness, I’m also feeling oddly empty. There’s this sort of blankness or haze around everything in moments of quiet. Perhaps my brain has been wired for a slightly chaotic state and it doesn’t know what to do with any stillness. Maybe it’s just fatigue.

Anyway, I’m off to go stare blankly into space for a few minutes before I try to tackle another thing on my list.

It’s Okay to Miss Things

October 7, 2014 / Katie L. Carroll

It’s too easy to get caught up in what I call the Infinite Loop, which I’ve blogged about in the past (here and a similar guest post here). Basically the Infinite Loop is a cycle of online checking that just keeps cycling back to the beginning.

For example, I’ll be on the Internet to check my personal email account, then I’ll check my email account I use for the blog and author correspondence, then my editor email, then I’ll check in on Facebook and Twitter, maybe then I’ll check my website stats for the day and reply to comments on my blog, then my Twitter account might ping and I’ll go check to see what’s going on there again, and so on and so forth. By the time I’ve gone through all my checks so much time has passed, I’ll have to start all over again, and by then I’m so stuck in the Infinite Loop, I’m like a hamster running in one of those wheels who’s never gonna get out.

Part of the reason why it’s so hard to get out is because I’m so connected all the time with my phone, which is pretty much never turned off these days. It’s so convenient not to have to turn on my laptop just to check my email, but it’s ON All THE TIME! And I usually boot up my laptop when I have an hour or two when the boys nap in the afternoon. I’ll have all the best intentions of going on to write, but then I decide “just to check my email” and BAM, three hours have gone by and The Boy is up from his nap needing attention and The Prince needs to be nursed.

I’m a work-at-home mom who writes and edits, i.e. I’m home with just the kiddos all day and it’s often hard to feel connected to the outside, adult world. The Internet is great for that, but you gotta set some limits. There are all kinds of things you can do to keep from getting stuck in the Infinite Loop for too long from the simple set-a-timer and then sign off to programs that block your Internet connection for a set amount of time.

But I’m not really interested in discussing that right now. What I really want to talk about is why I get stuck in the Loop. I think I’ve pinned it down to not wanting to miss anything. The Internet is such a wide, awesome resource for connecting. I don’t want to miss that latest interesting or important news bit, I don’t want to miss that so-and-so agent is having a pitch contest, I don’t want to miss that cutie little picture of my friend’s daughter.

Here’s the rub, though. If I don’t choose to disconnect and miss those “important” Internet things, I’m going to miss out on a lot more. I’m going to miss having some real down time for myself, I’m going to miss important writing time, I’m going to miss important reading time, I’m going to miss letting my brain wander free without stimulation, I might even miss a precious moment or two with the kiddos.

So right here, right now I’m going to give myself permission to miss stuff on the Internet. If the news is really worth hearing, I’ll eventually hear it. There is always some kind of pitching contest going on, and besides, I can always query my next project without any kind of contest. That friend with the cutie daughter posts plenty of pictures, so missing a few won’t be a big deal.

And I’m going to give you permission as well. Don’t feel like you have to answer every email as it comes in; don’t let yourself be constantly be bombarded by your Twitter feed; heck, I’ll even say don’t read my blog unless you feel really compelled to and have the time. Because if we don’t step away from the keyboard or smartphone, step out of the Infinite Loop, and allow ourselves to miss all those wonderful (and admittedly often dumb) things on the Internet, then we’re gonna miss out an awful lot on real life. And I don’t know about you, but I’m not ready to give up my real life for a virtual one.

Still Grounding Myself Every Day

October 1, 2014 / Katie L. Carroll

I’ve got lots of writerly things going on lately (still working my YA thriller BLACK BUTTERFLY, my follow up to ELIXIR BOUND called ELIXIR SAVED, and my chapter for the Great CT Caper) and I got my first editing assignment post baby. Seems I’m really getting back into the swing of things now that The Prince is almost four months old (yikes…the time does fly!).

The year anniversary of my grounding experiment–basically my quest to put my bare feet on the earth every day in attempt to help with stress, overall mood, energy, and such–passed by some time in August with little notice or fanfare. The last update I did on this was December, and I’ve been going strong ever since.

I missed some days, especially over the long, cold, snowy winter we had, but I got out in the bad weather more than I expected. Plus I was pregnant for a good part of the experiment, which I thought might make it harder, but it really wasn’t much of a hindrance. As a bonus once the weather got warmer, The Boy showed interest in grounding himself, too, so he’s been joining me from time to time. And my mom started doing it as well, so we’ve been comparing notes and keeping each other accountable.

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Thinking back on my year of grounding, I’ve noticed several parallels to being a writer. You have setbacks, like missing days for reasons both in your control and out of your control; you feel bad/guilty after these setbacks; it’s helpful to have others hold you accountable to help you get it done; when you lose consistency in your task, it’s hard to get back to it, but it’s never too late to get back to it, and it might be hard at first but it will get easier after the initial push; and it’s important not to beat yourself up too much when you fail, as long as you get back on the horse as soon as you can.

I’ve learned some helpful tips along the way. In cold weather, wear your cold weather gear outside even if you’re just going out to ground. Don’t go out in the snow with just a sweatshirt and sandals. First of all you’ll freeze. Second of all it diminishes the affect somehow. After I stripped off my boots in socks, stuck my feet in my little patch of grass surrounded by feet of snow, and put my socks and boots back on, my feet felt awesome, like I was walking on clouds.

Make it part of your routine. I often ground when I go out to get the mail because I do this almost every day. Don’t worry about what others think. My neighbors must have seen me with my pregnant belly and bare feet on the cold ground and thought, “There’s that nutso lady again out there with her feet in the snow.” If you miss a few days, don’t stress about it; the whole idea is not to stress. Just get back to it when you can.

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And finally, mix it up once in awhile: ground in the sand or some other place than grass, or do it at a friend’s house or while on vacation (of course making sure it’s safe to do it wherever you are, and there aren’t say fire ants or animal droppings around), or do it with a friend.

So I guess you’re all wondering if it’s working. It’s hard to say definitively that it’s working or not. I’ve had a particularly stressful, exciting, wonderful year. I’ve had the most challenging year with The Boy since he was born, a new baby to take care of, and lots of upheaval with work being done on the house. I wish I had more patience with The Boy in particular and yell at him more than I’d like to. I get crabby for no reason (being pregnant and now breastfeeding make for some fun hormonal emotions) and take it out on my husband. So on the surface you might say it isn’t working.

But I think it is. I can feel the tension leaving my body often when I ground myself, and this feeling is particularly strong when I’ve missed a day or two or when the weather was cold and I wasn’t outside as much. It’s kind of like a tingling that stops after a minute or two, and is similar to the calming feeling I get when I hold The Prince on my chest while he sleeps, only the feeling is in my feet instead of my chest. So, yeah, for that alone it’s worth it.

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And given all the stress and worry and mixed emotions I’ve had over the last year, I’d say I’m emotional handling myself better than I might have been if I wasn’t grounding. Some times all I have to do is think about grounding when I’m in a stressful situation and it helps to calm me…and maybe that is more a mind over matter thing than the physical affects of grounding, but whatever works, right?

The other thing I like about it is that it’s a pretty simple, straightforward, achievable goal, and one that doesn’t have any dire consequences if I fail. I like having an item to check of my list that’s so easy to do, and it’s one that gets me outdoors, and it’s an interesting talking point, and it might just be helping my overall well-being and health.

So after a year my year of grounding, I have no plans to stop. I’ll keep going out there and putting my bare feet to the ground, I’ll miss days and maybe feel guilty or maybe not, I’ll keep my reputation in the neighborhood as an eccentric lady, and hopefully I’ll feel better for it and will be a better mom, person, and writer for it.