Books for kids, teens, & those who are young at heart

Category: Anecdote (Page 1 of 31)

When Grief Unexpectedly Hits (and it Shows up in Your Writing)

The thing about grief is that each person experiences it differently, and it encompasses many different emotions. It can change over time, but it can also revert back to that fresh grief in unexpected moments. And it never goes away.

Recently, I was driving two of my kiddos to a travel soccer game. They were both in the back of the minivan, my 10-year-old reading and the 13-year-old playing on his phone. I had the radio tuned to the local alternative rock station that plays 90s music on the weekends, my favorite kind of music. The sun was out, the kids weren’t fighting, and I was in a good mood.

My sister Kylene on the left and me on the right standing next to each other. We were both teenagers at the time, her slightly taller than me, even though I was 3 years older than her.
Kylene (left) and Katie (right) around the ages when we were singing “Dumb” in the car together.

Then, the song “Dumb” by Nirvana came on, and I was transported back to another car ride, one that was more than 20 years ago. It was a similarly nice day, and I was on the way to play beach volleyball with some friends. Instead of my kids as companions, I had my sister Kylene. She loved to sing and had a beautiful voice, and she wasn’t afraid to sing loudly in front of others. Not like me, I kept my tone-deaf voice to the confines of the shower and my car.

So when “Dumb” came on the radio, we were both singing along, Kylene considerably louder than I was. The song got to the end where Kurt Cobain, the lead singer, repeats the line “I think I’m dumb” over and over again. Only, that’s not what Kylene sang. She was belting out “African dough” over and over again. I cracked up, tears rolling down my cheeks, because she had no idea that she was singing the wrong lyrics.

Of course, being the amazing older sister that I am (and also a teenager at the time), I not-so-nicely pointed out that she was singing the wrong lyrics and her lyrics made absolutely no sense. When we got to the beach, I told all our friends of her mistake, and it became a running joke every time we heard that song. For the rest of her life…which turned out not to be that much longer because she passed away when she was only 16. (I’ve written about this before in “Still Mourning Kylene 20 years Later.”)

Fast forward to hearing “Dumb” in the minivan with my kids, and I once again had tears rolling down my cheeks. I had my sunglasses on and my kids were paying no attention to me. I didn’t want to upset them or have to answer any questions they might have asked, so I kept them oblivious to my silent tears. We’ve talk about Kylene, and they know it was a very hard thing to go through, but in that moment, I wanted to be alone in my feelings. When it got to the end of the song, I quietly sang “African dough” instead of the correct lyrics, a little smile breaking out on my face.

Hearing that song and having that punch of a memory hit me, it made me miss my sister so much. It brought up fresh grief mixed in with all the old grief. The sadness that my kids will never get to meet their Auntie Kylene; the weird emptiness of her not being here anymore, even when I have no idea what she would be like now or what our relationship would be like; and the loss of all the things that she never got to be and do, whatever those things might have been. There was also the humor and fondness of the memory.

Even now, all these many years later, the grief can be overwhelming and complicated and hard and unique. It’s no wonder themes of grief often pop up in my writing. There’s my upper middle grade book Witch Test where Liza is being bullied by her ex-best friend, which brings up all sorts of feelings about her late mother. And my YA Hamlet retelling Only Dark Edges where Delta is haunted by the ghost of her sister and spirals into a deep depression of grief. And my work-in-progress picture book about a little girl, whose sister named Winnie recently passed away, goes looking for Winnie-the-Pooh in the woods.

I’ve always said one of the reasons I write is to try and make sense of the world. Kylene’s death will never make sense to me. But writing about it helps me sort out my feelings. And when I publish works about grief, my hope is that it will help kids who experience grief realize they are not alone in their feelings.

When a Writer Doesn’t Have Time for Writing and New Books from Katie L. Carroll

I have been longing to get back into creative mode. I’ve got a revision of my YA psychological thriller Hamlet retelling that has been inching along so very slowly. NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) starts in a few weeks, and I really want to draft my next YA during November.

However, with two book releases this fall (and approximately a thousand soccer games for my kids), there’s been little time for the actual book writing and revising. It’s a case of the writer not getting to actually write. The fact is being an author means marketing our books, and being an indie author means producing our books as well. I’ll get back into the fun stuff eventually.

The good news is that WITCH TEST is out in the world and spreading all kinds witchy, crow, Halloween vibes. It recently hit #1 in all its categories on Kobo, so that was super exciting! Thank you so much to all who have read, reviewed it, or shared it. Posting reviews on Amazon, Goodreads, and other book retailers is so helpful to authors because it increases the chance of new readers finding it.

MOMMY’S NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS comes out in 12 days! It’s available for pre-order at all the usual places, like Bookshop, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, IndieBound, and Kobo. I’ll soon be getting the listing up on my Purchase Books page for those of you who are interested in signed copies. I’ve probably mentioned this before, but MOMMY’S NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS makes for a great Christmas gift for any moms you know. I still can’t get over the beautiful illustrations by Phoebe Cho.

Here’s a little video I created for it. How’s your fall going?

@katielcarrollauthor

Mommy’s Night Before Christmas by Katie L. Carrol with illustrations by Phoebe Cho is the perfect gift for all the moms (and the kids). #mommysnightbeforechristmas #picturebook #christmasbooks #giftsforher #booktok

♬ We Wish You a Merry Christmas (music box) – yostimar

Still Mourning Kylene 20 Years Later

This weekend marked the 20th anniversary of my sister’s death. I’ve written a lot about Kylene, her life and mourning her. On the 8th anniversary of her death, I shared a poem she wrote. A year later, in my post “A Lonely Anniversary,” I expressed having a feeling of loneliness that I could place…until finally realizing I was missing my sister. And I shared another one of her poems.

On the 11th anniversary of her death, I was once again “Thinking of Kylene” while reading through one of her journals. One of my favorite posts about her is “No Matter How You Do The Math, Death Death Just Doesn’t Add Up,” where I memorialized her life and tried to make sense of her death. And, of course, there is “The Story of How I Became A Writer.”

Mourning is a life-long process, and something that often weaves its way into the stories I write. In my upcoming middle grade novel WITCH TEST, I once again explore this concept. The main character, Liza, was only three when her mother died in a car crash. Now 13 and friendless because her ex-best friend, Abby, has turned on her, Liza finds herself thinking of her mother. New and confusing feelings surface.

An ache settles in my chest, strong enough to make me groan out loud.

I think I miss my mom. Maybe that’s what’s been causing this feeling of loneliness that has been overwhelming me all afternoon. I think somewhere deep inside of me I’ve been missing her a long time, but this whole Abby thing has finally made me realize how much I lost when I lost my mom.

I never thought of it like that because it’s weird to miss someone you can’t remember.

Witch TEst

I think about the complicated feelings of losing someone young. As time passes, you change and the person you are mourning would have changed. I’m no longer the person my sister knew, and she would no longer be the person I knew. I miss who she was, and I miss who she would have been, even without knowing who exactly that person would have been. I also miss who I would have become if Kylene had lived.

Like Liza, I wonder if “miss” is the right word. In her case, she wonders if she can miss someone she doesn’t remember. In my case, I wonder if I can miss the versions of my sister and myself that never existed. All the while knowing I miss who she was.

I’ve come to call this complicated set of feelings “long mourning.” When the sharpness of new grief has faded away, you’re left with a longer pain — an ache that never really goes away, occasionally punctuated by a sharper pain.

So I guess that’s my convoluted way of saying I still miss my sister — in all the many ways you can miss someone who died young — 20 years after her death. I’ll suppose I’ll continue exploring those feelings in the stories I write, and in my own way, celebrating and mourning my little sister, Kylene.

Ebook Redistribution and Author Updates

Quick announcement about ebook availability. I’m redoing how I distribute some of my ebooks, so there’s a chance those titles won’t be available on some retailers for a limited time. I am now selling all my ebooks directly on my Purchase Books page, where you can also order signed paperbacks, and none of those listings will be affected. The Amazon listings also shouldn’t be affected, so you can find them there as well.

Is it just me or is this year quickly flying by in a big ball of stress? Let me be honest on here for a second (I’m always pretty honest here), I have felt very stressed out this year. The world is feeling ugly and I’m constantly worried about keeping my family healthy, and I’m guessing I’m not the only one feeling this way. It makes it hard to focus, so I keep telling myself writing books for young people is always important–maybe even more so in trying times.

So I’ve been doing my best to take the moments I have for work and keep my head down to make the most of them. Still, I’ve hardly written anything new this year. I have so many solid ideas waiting in the wings. Lots of projects in the works, though. One of these weeks, I’m going to dig into revisions of that NaNoWriMo book of mine, the young adult Hamlet-inspired tale of a teen mourning the loss of her sister. Here’s a little mood board I put together for it.

The illustrations for my upcoming picture book MOMMY’S NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS are coming along. Soon I’ll be able to share some of what the very talented illustrator Phoebe Cho has been working on for that book. I’m also working on fun marketing and release details for the October publish date.

Events for 2022 are coming along as well. I have a few writing workshops lined up to teach, and I’m hoping to have some in-person books events and festivals lined up for when the weather warms up. I recently did a virtual author visit for my son’s 5th-grade class, and they wrote me the sweetest thank-you letters, many of them sharing the story ideas they came up during the guided writing exercise I did with them.

Believe it or not, I’m making publishing plans for 2023 already. I have one other book that might come out this year and even more planned for next year. So I guess it’s okay that I haven’t been writing much. I’m working…in between sick days and snow days and stressing out about war. Also taking a moment to appreciate how lucky I am…always important to practice gratitude.

What’s on your mind lately? I’d love to hear from you in the comments.

Exciting News About Mommy’s Night Before Christmas

October 2022 Update: If you this poem, check out the newly revised and illustrated picture book MOMMY’S NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS by Katie L. Carroll and illustrated by Phoebe Cho.

Available now from BookshopAmazonBarnes & NobleIndieBoundKobo, and more! Find signed copies on the Purchase Books page.

This is normally the week where I share “Mommy’s Night Before Christmas,” my parody of Clement C. Moore’s poem “A Visit from St. Nicholas.” Unfortunately I’m not doing that this year because I’ve done a slight revision in anticipation of it becoming a picture book! (Don’t worry, you can still enjoy the old version here.)

I’m currently working with an illustrator for a fall 2022 release. So keep an eye out for more news on this!

In the meantime, I want to wish all of you a peaceful rest of the holiday season. I know there’s a lot that makes this time of year stressful, especially these last couple of years, so it is my wish for you all to find the calm in the storm whenever you can. Health and happiness in the New Year!

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